I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
