My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
