you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
What a dumb baby whore.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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