How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
