You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize