I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
