He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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