If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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