What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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