i jhust puked up my retainher.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
