oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
