i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
