There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
my poor anus
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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