The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Small penises have feelings too.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
