dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
