i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
