i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
