Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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