I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize