im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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