A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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