I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Randomize
