can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
