so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
