Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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