Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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