I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
