I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
