I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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