I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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