ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
