I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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