A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
