Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
