when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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