I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
