My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
