Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
