I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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