how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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