If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
