I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
