So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Still dying that you shit outside
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize