Where did you get a picture of my penis
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
