all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
