I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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