Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
