i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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