All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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