dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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