and i looked up. we had an audience...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize