I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
