he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
