my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
porn star boner night. come get it.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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