Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
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