Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
false alarm. still invincible.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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