Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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