i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
