i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
