Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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