how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
All I want is dick and wine.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
