I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
