actually, I'm a sock model
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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