My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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